Monday, February 23, 2009

This Week in Entertainment

Alright you sick freaks of cinematic entertainment this article is not for you because the following information you know. This is for the normal shlub that wants to get a little stoned and watch a movie or for that dude that wants to take a chick to a movie and then hopefully it sucks enough so he can get to third base. Well your in luck because I have the info you crave.

New in Theaters this week:

Tuesday Feb. 24

"Red Sands" - Rated R - "Present-day Afghanistan. As continuing battles rage in the war-torn country, a unit of U.S. soldiers are dispatched to seize and control a strategic road that runs past an abandoned stone house. En route, the soldiers discover an ancient stone statue hidden deep within an ancient ravine. Using the relic for target practice, they destroy it, unwittingly releasing a vengeful supernatural force that is about to wage a horrifying war on them." (Wow, nothing worse than suicide bombing ghosts. THEY WILL NEVER STOP TILL WE ARE ALL DEAD!)

"On The Other Hand, Death: The Donald Strachey Mystery"- Rated R- "Donald Strachey is a gay (GAY!) private investigator who learns of a local school’s decision to chastise a lesbian teacher for speaking openly about her sexuality. Discovering that her home has been vandalized, Donald starts to look into things (butts?) and discovers there is more going on than appears on the surface." (Whoa heavy stuff, and by heavy I mean big gay balls)

"Epitaph"- NR - "1942: the Korean capital of Kyung Sung is occupied by the Japanese and the Anseng Hospital lies in the center of the city, representing the twin glories of Japanese Imperialism and western modernization. But mysterious things are happening at the hospital: An intern is bound by his parents to marry a girl whom he never met, but instead is romantically drawn to a corpse; A traumatized little girl, the lone survivor of a horrific car crash, is tortured by bloody visions and a married couple, who are doctors, desperately try to manage their colleagues’ behaviors but find themselves investigating a series of brutal murders. But as the stories unfold and obsessive loves are revealed, the hospital and its staff descend into a darker abyss which they may never return from." (When movies have long, confusing, synopsis like this one you know it sucks.)

Wednesday Feb. 25

"Examined Life" - NR - "This documentary takes a look at the manifestations of contemporary philosophy through interviews with various figures in the field, who examine these existential issues from the vantage point of lively public places, where everyday people demonstrate their views and values through the most clear and innocuous ways. Some of the guests featured in the film include Cornel West, Avital Ronell, and Peter Singer." (Documentary about

Ok on to the movies you'll probably see.

Friday Feb. 27

"Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li" - PG-13 - ""Street Fighter" is a live-action feature film based on Capcom's video game. The new film is focused on female fighter Chun Li and her journey for justice." (Remember what I said about long synopsis? Same thing for short ones)

"Crossing Over" - Rated R - "Immigrants from around the world enter Los Angeles every day, with hopeful visions of a better life, but little notion of what that life may cost. Their desperate scenarios test the humanity of immigration enforcement officers. In "Crossing Over," writer-director Wayne Kramer explores the allure of the American dream, and the reality that immigrants find - and create -- in 21st century L.A." (Nice another chance for Harrison Ford to say his money line "Get off my Country!")

"Jonas Brothers: The 3D Experience" - Rated G - I'm not even writing a synopsis, you should know what this shit is about, its one of their horrible concerts shot in 3D. These guys suck so fucking much its a same to music. However no one shines a turd quiet like Disney so eventhough your kids have heard these songs a billion times...They are still going to drag you and force you to see this garbage. Sorry parents. Go fuck yourselves kids.

"The Trouble with Romance" - NR - "In "The Trouble with Romance," each story follows the inhabitants of different rooms in one hotel on the same night. In the bathroom, a young woman looking for closure has an emotional conversation with her hallucination of an ex-lover while her current lover awaits in bed. Down the hall, a husband and wife attempt to spice up their sex life, leading to unforeseen consequences. Simultaneously, a bumbling boyfriend commits the ultimate faux pas by inviting his stoner buddies to celebrate with him and his girlfriend on their special night. Moreover, in a separate suite, a young man's first encounter with a call girl teaches him why we still yearn for love despite the trouble with romance." (Sorry I entered a trance-like state while reading that so I wont read it again.)


If you dont feel like leaving your house there are over 288 DVD's being released this week. Some of my favs are:

"Schoolgirl Report Vol. 5: What all Parents should know"
"Batbabe: The Dark Nightie"
and of course "Chris and Don: A Love Story"

Alright happy viewing and remember wait till the popcorn cools off before you shove your penis in there bye bye.

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